Oh well....

I've uploaded a new family picture. I guess that's as good as it gets when you've got your hands full with 4 kids. I really can't believe I haven't written in so long. I keep making these goals to write more often, but they never stick, so for now, I'll just count it good that I've showered every day since Gavin was born. That's a goal I'm proud of accomplishing.

Failed to mention....

I was on such a high yesterday from the good news we received that I made it sound like the opposite news would have been the worst thing in the world. I failed to mention that I actually think we were in a very healthy place to accept the news and be ok with it, even recognize it as a blessing. We just needed to know before we could get to that place.

An article in this month's Ensign was about having a baby with Downs (which I took as another sign that it was inevitable) and it described the feelings we were having perfectly. No one wants a baby with special needs. They can be a challenge to raise, they may have many medical problems, and won't be able to live a normal life with marriage, missions, careers, etc., but they truly are sent straight from heaven. Their salvation is secure and they have so much joy and light to offer their families. We would have loved our little boy no matter what. Regardless of what would have happened or still could happen, we are truly blessed.

I Believe in Miracles!

I got the dreaded call last Tuesday from the doctor's office. One of my blood tests came back with abnormal results. It showed I had a 1 in 10 chance of having a baby with down syndrome. Usually when this test comes back positive, it shows a 1 in 200 or 1 in 300 chance, so I knew it was serious.

Brian and I rushed to the genetic counselor the next day at IMC to have a detailed ultrasound to see if everything was ok. Everything seemed fine, except the baby had a short femur bone. Thanks to my internet research the night before, I knew that a short femur bone is a marker for downs. I was devastated. But I was glad the baby didn't show other signs, like heart or kidney problems that can be associated with downs.

I knew that the ultrasound couldn't tell me for sure, so Brian and I agonized over it and then decided to have an amniocentesis right then and there. We just couldn't go on without knowing. It wouldn't change anything other than our ability to cope and be mentally prepared when the baby is born with a problem. There are risks of miscarriage and other complications associated with an amnio, but we just had to know.

Anyway, the doctor doing the amnio had trouble getting through the amniotic sac due to what she called "tenting." I didn't think anything of it, but after we got home, I went to the good old internet and found out that "tenting" is often a sign of down syndrome. I guess babies with downs have thicker sacs?

I started looking at other things that could indicate downs. One of the common features is a space between the big toe and the next toe. We were given a printout of a few things during the ultrasound, one of which was the bottom of the babies foot. Of course, what do I see? A space between the toes. I was convinced. I was so devastated.

Before the amino, we were offered a test called "FISH" that would give us earlier limited results, mainly ruling out downs syndrome. Of course we opted for that. The full panel of tests will test for other problems and we should have those results later this week, but the "FISH" results were due today, Monday. Brian and I have been nervous wrecks. Yesterday was the worst. We were crying at the drop of a hat and were so depressed. I haven't been eating well or sleeping much for a couple days. I was just so consumed with these worries.

I finally got the call this morning. I was so convinced that it would be bad news that when the genetic counselor said the test came back normal, I didn't know what to say. I was in shock. I was so sure I knew the outcome. I was prepared for the worst. It was truly a miracle to me that our little boy is healthy. True, we still have the full panel of test results coming later this week, but we were only told he had a risk for downs, so now that they have ruled that out, we are breathing a sigh of relief.

Now, if I could just stop worrying that the amnio is going to cause a miscarriage, I'll be good to go. There's always something to worry about when you are pregnant, right? (And the internet doesn't help.)

Projecting My Insecurities

I have really been pushing Dallin lately to ride his bike. He's almost 7 and still hasn't quite figured it out. I keep thinking, "What will all his friend's say when they find out?"I also keep thinking, "What's wrong with my son? Kids that are years younger have already figured it out!" I know these are such a dumb and sad things for a mother to think, but for some reason it really motivates me to push him really hard to get out there and keep trying. It hasn't been working so well though.

I realized that he doesn't really have the same worries and insecurities that I do (thank goodness). Seriously, none of his friends are even going to know he doesn't ride a bike. He doesn't ride one to school, his friends aren't old enough to ask him to go ride bikes, he doesn't seem to care much that he hasn't figured it out...so really, what's motivating me?

I guess I'm thinking back to when I was a kid. I was very insecure about myself and always worried what everyone else thought of me. I was worried that the slightest thing would cause other kids to tease me, so I tried to blend in and not call attention to myself. I was worried that Dallin would be calling attention to the fact that he's not as sporty or coordinated as other kids by not working on this one skill, but I guess I just need to let him be a kid and decide what's important to him and what talents he wants to develop (we all know I've tried to get him to sing...no success).

Once I had that attitude change, guess what? He rode his bike for the first time yesterday. I am so proud! But I'm glad that it was his choice, not me forcing him for all the wrong reasons.

My Struggle to Blog

I don't know what it is, but I never have been great at keeping a blog (or a journal for that matter). I have always felt like no matter what I say, it will never be as witty, as funny, as enlightening, as...whatever, as other people's blogs. Who would want to read what I write? I read so many other's blogs where I can't wait to read the next "installment" or I can't wait to tell Brian about the funny thing I read or tell him "guess what so and so is up to." I can't ever come up with anything I want to say that would get that response from anyone. I feel like the only times I'm inspired to write are when I want to vent or complain about something. What is wrong with me?

Well, here's my sad attempt at just writing about nothing and hoping that it's something that at least I will want to re-read someday.

Dallin and Alyssa just finished swim lessons last week, and, to my surprise, they both passed. I think the instructors were a little lenient, because I was sure they wouldn't pass, especially Dallin, who refuses to put his face in the water without a huge protest, gagging, sputtering, etc. Even when he plugs his nose (he actually plugs his whole face, with his hand over his nose and mouth, pinching everything), he still comes up gagging like he swallowed a bunch of water. I don't know how that's even possible. Alyssa doesn't seem to have a problem with it.

It's funny how the kids have taken after us as parents. Dallin is my child through and through. He hates scary rides, doesn't have a knack for swimming, is so uncoordinated it's not even funny, and is too smart for his own good. Alyssa is a daredevil like Brian, willing to try anything, coordinated, not afraid of water (or anything else, except for the street...but that's a good thing). I wonder who Emily will turn out to be like. Hmmmm....

Anyway, I've signed them up for the next swimming lessons. They start on Monday. They are going to be eaten alive in that class. They have to push off the side and swim with their faces in the water to the other side of this small pool area. It's probably about 10-15 feet. They have to kick and use their arms. Not going to happen, but at least I can see what they need to know and we'll work on it with them and hopefully have them up to speed by next summer. I never learned how to swim, or at least that's my story and I'm sticking to it. I'm just so terrified of water in every way that I don't even know for sure if I can or not. I can get around just fine in the shallow water. I can float, doggy paddle, and do all the other basic things, but put me in the deep water and I panic so bad that I start to drown and need my husband to rescue me (embarassing, I know). I hope some day I can be brave, and when I am, I hope that I discover that I can swim after all.

If you've made it this far (Who am I kidding? No one reads this!), you deserve to be let in on a little secret. I'm expecting another baby in December. This one will be 20 months apart from Emily. I've already experienced 18 months apart with Dallin and Alyssa, so I know what I'm in for, but I'm a little nervous about this one. Emily has turned into such a handful. It seems that way for all my kids. As soon as I find out I'm pregnant, my previously angelic children get in touch with their dark sides and make me wonder all through my pregnancy what I've gotten myself into. This pregnancy is also scaring me in a weird way I wouldn't have expected. I keep forgetting about it. I go for hours not even remembering it, then all of the sudden, it comes back to me and I get a wave of panic, wondering if I made up the whole thing. I also don't have hardly any symptoms other than a tender stomach that can't bear the thought of regular pants right now. I've been in loose or maternity jeans for over a month, hoping no one notices yet. I have an ultrasound on Monday to pinpoint an exact due date. My doctor just can't accept the fact that I have large babies for no reason at all. She thinks maybe we are miscalculating my due dates, so she ordered this ultrasound to double check the date. I'm thrilled! The more ultrasounds, the better, but I'm also scared. Just my usual worries that something might be wrong. I'm also worried that the date will be pushed back into January, and then I'll have a whole host of other things to worry about, the biggest being that my deductible will start over January 1, which means this baby will cost double what we thought it would. There's also the slightly lesser problem of not having the baby in this tax year for next years' tax break (but this one would just be a nice perk, not a real concern like the deductible thing). Anyway, I'm hoping after my ultrasound that this pregnancy will sink in a little more and I can accept that it is real and that we are soon going to be a family of 6. SIX! Weird. I think that's as big as it's going to get though. I can't see me driving a big cargo van with 8 kids like my mom did. Four kids is enough for me!

I am going to make a better effort to get on here and write about nothing more often. It feels good. If nothing else comes from it, at least I can improve my writing skills and look back at these entries and be reminded of some good memories.

We survived!

I can't believe it, but somehow, we survived the last four months.

Life has calmed down now, and it's wonderful. The kids are out of school, and I have them on a pretty good routine of school time, piano lessons, swim lessons, going to the park, and just having fun together. Ahhh.... life is sweet when it slows down a little.

Priorities

Brian and I have been reflecting on how crazy our life has gotten over the past few months. He was called as the Ward Mission Leader and has been quite involved in meetings and other commitments with that. I was just called to be in the Relief Society Presidency (2nd couns.). I am also costuming a community production of Oklahoma and doing some transcription work on the computer. I, of course, am also a taxi service, taking Dallin and Alyssa back and forth to school. We were commenting that we aren't really going to see each other much anymore. On Saturday, we went to the Worldwide Leadership Training, and it was emphasized over and over that family comes first. A calling should never take the place of family. Other commitments shouldn't either. But how do we find the balance?

We are both pretty new in our callings still, but I'm sure as we figure them out, the balance will come. I'm trying to have faith that it will all work out and that I can be a good mom first, but also a good presidency member, a good costumer, and a good worker. As for a good housekeeper? I'm not so sure. That one might have to slide.

I must be dying!

I went to the doctor this past Monday convinced that I have cancer. My back pain has been so severe and it's spreading up into my neck and down to my hip, so of course I jumped to conclusions. Good news... no cancer. But I have a bladder infection, a severe vitamin D deficiency, possible sleep apnea, degenerative disc disease, facet disease, arthritis, a possible gall bladder problem, and I've shrunk 2 inches since high school. And I still have one more blood test and an MRI that I'm sure will both show additional problems. So there's no cancer, but I'm probably dying anyway. :0)

Parenting Breakthrough

Thanks Andrea for introducing me to "The Parenting Breakthrough" by Merrilee Boyack. I'm not completely done reading it, but it makes so much sense!

Brian and I often find ourselves complaining about all the irresponsible teenagers and young adults that don't know how to work, take care of themselves, save money, make responsible decisions, etc., but we never had a plan in place to make sure our kids don't turn out that way. I'm just glad we got this book before it was too late!

The subtitle of the book is "A real-life plan to teach your kids to work, save money, and be truly independant." There are a lot of things in the book I don't agree with, but the basic ideas are priceless. We have a plan for everything in our lives, but when it comes to our kids, we just try to keep them alive. In the process, they don't grow up, they just get bigger. When are they ever going to learn about finances if we don't teach them? How will they ever do their own laundry if we don't show them how? How will they ever move out and cook/clean/manage for themselves if we never trained them to? It makes so much sense! I suggest everyone read this book. The author is LDS, so she also has tips on how to keep your kids active in church and encourage missions and temple marriages. It's great!

Brian's gone again...

I've had a horrible day. Brian is down in Fillmore again and Dallin and Alyssa are intent on driving me completely bonkers. Brian doesn't get back until Thursday evening, and I'm afraid he's going to come back to a crazy wife, dirty and hungry children, and the messiest house he's ever seen. I need to get some motivation going here. I haven't posted forever, so I thought this was a good start. Hopefully I'll feel like I accomplished something afterward and it will give me the encouragement I need to get going on something else.

The summer has passed by so quickly that I can't believe Dallin starts school on Monday. I'm not ready. He's going to another school and he has to take the bus. He just turned six on Saturday and my paranoid mother brain is telling me that he's too young to ride the bus. He's too young to stay away from me all day every day and make it on the bus to get home. He's too young to open his applesauce, zip his jacket, make new friends, buy a lunch, find the bathroom, etc. I know it's irrational, but I think every mom must go through these feelings to an extent when their oldest goes to school. I am excited for him to start at this new school though. It's for kids that are advanced readers. Because the kids are advanced, they can focus on other things that other schools don't, like music, art, and drama. I'm really thrilled he was accepted. I just need to get past all my fears about him going.

Alyssa doesn't start preschool until September 8, so we'll have some time together for a few weeks. I wish she was going to kindergarten. She's so ready. At least she enjoys preschool, more for the social aspect than anything. I'm glad she hasn't decided to be bored with it yet. We are thinking about getting her into dance again because that's all she does at home. She keeps asking to put her dance leotard on that's two sizes too small and just prances around the house. He favorite song to dance to is "Roxanne" from Moulin Rouge. She gets all dramatic and waves a scarf around and everything. It's pretty entertaining.

Emily is perfect. She is my best baby by far. I can't look at her without feeling this overwhelming love for her and gratitude that she is so good, because my other kids have started acting up to the extreme and I don't know how I could handle a fussy baby on top of everything they are dishing out. She is 3 1/2 months old now and has been sleeping through the night for over a month. She hardly cries, she eats right on schedule, sleeps all the time, smiles all the time for no apparent reason (my kids say she's smiling at the angels), and is just generally enjoyable in every way. We feel so blessed and can look back and realize what a blessing it was that we had to wait so long for her to join our family.

I feel so blessed to have children. Brian and I were talking about how common it is these days for people to not be able to have children and we've had our own troubles with that, so I am just so grateful that in the end I have 3 beautiful children to love. They were worth everything it took to get them here.

Brian's time in Fillmore is technically tapering off, but this week they asked him to come for 3 days instead of 1 or 2 that he's been doing for the past month. It's really hard to have him gone so long. It's gets me in such a slump at home. It's hard to function when I know I'll have no reinforcements coming home in the evening.

It's hard to believe the summer is almost over. I had so many plans, the biggest of which was going to be a hymn arrangement for our ward choir. I haven't even started it. I was sure that was going to be my big thing these past few months. It's amazing how time can get away from you so easily. Oh well. Andrea always picks the greatest music for us, so maybe next year I'll come up with my masterpiece.

Emily Rose Mecham

I just finished typing a narrative of my birth story... it was a few paragraphs long. Then it suddenly disappeared. I don't have the energy to type it again tonight. My eyes are closing as I speak. This computer is cruel! Doesn't it know that I'm the mother of a newborn and have very limited time to post an update to my blog?

Here's the summary... we had an ultrasound on April 30 that told us Emily was HUGE. We decided she had to come out that weekend. We tried all the home remedies and by 10:00 that night, I was in labor. We headed to the hospital at midnight and after a very uneventful boring day of very steady but weak contractions, Emily came at 8:02 p.m. after 2 hours of pushing. She wasn't as big as we thought, but plenty big for 3 weeks early. She was 8 lbs. 1 oz. She is a wonderful baby. Babies are such miracles. I could stare at her for hours.

Good night!

Weather

Brian and I have started to compare the weather report from the evening with the one the next morning. It's funny how much they differ. I don't think the meteorologists should try to predict anything other than the next 2 hours because it always changes!

Two weeks ago, we went on vacation for spring break. The weather report leading up to that week was saying how great the weather would be... we all know what really happened that week. We woke up to 6 inches of snow in Fillmore.

Meteorologists can't be trusted!

Early Easter

Since Easter occurs on Conference weekend this year, we decided to celebrate Easter early. I would be in heaven if these kids always acted as good as they look.

Good News!

Good news! Brian passed another of his architecture tests. I'm so happy for him (and for us)!

They make these tests so hard and they are so expensive that it just seems like he'll never get through, but it's starting to feel like he might survive the process after all. He has passed 9 tests and has 3 more to go now. He has one scheduled in April, one in May, and one in June, so hopefully, fingers crossed, he'll hear good news back from all of them and be licensed by July!

It's been so long....AGAIN!

So I haven't written in a while… is anyone surprised. I was doing pretty good there, but then let it slip after Christmas. Where has the time gone? This entry is going to be all over the place… so much to say and no time to organize my thoughts.

Julie was driving Alyssa somewhere yesterday and the car in front of them wasn't moving, I guess when the light turned green or something. Alyssa blurted out, "Are you going to park there, lady?" Julie and I have never said that before. I don't know where she got it, but she sure says funny things sometimes.

Dallin is doing so well in school that his teacher has sent him home with harder homework to keep his mind challenged… except the new homework isn't a challenge! It is harder, but as Dallin was describing it to Brian during our internet chat last night, Brian said that it sounded too hard. Dallin shook his head and said, "No, it's way easy." I don't know what we are going to do with him. He is so smart and is learning so much every day. Is he going to be the next Doogie Houser and graduate at 13?

We bought a new car seat/stroller system, a new play-yard/bassinet, a new diaper bag, and a diaper champ recently during a big sale at Babies-R-Us. Last week, we felt the urge to open it all and assemble it. Now we've got all this baby stuff out with nowhere to put it. I don't want it in the garage getting all dirty and dusty. I guess we should have thought of that before we opened it, but we were so anxious. It did help the whole thing to sink in a little. It's been so long since we've had a baby in the house, that the whole idea has seemed a little abstract to us

I'm feeling very pregnant and still have 3 more months to go. I should not complain, but was I wrong to think that being 30 pounds lighter this pregnancy than with my other two would make things easier? As a society, we are constantly told to lose weight and that it will fix everything that's wrong with us. If that's the case, then why am I so miserable? Don't get me wrong. I very much enjoyed the weight loss before I got pregnant, but I thought this pregnancy would be easier. I guess I was wrong.

My job is winding down. My bosses are looking to interview a few people in the next week or so. I can't wait. I feel so worn down and I really need to be home with my kids. They have started asking for my sister over me… that's just not cool. Brian says that now I know how he feels when the kids always want me. But this is different. They are cutting us BOTH out of their lives! Would they even notice if we didn't come home? (Of course they would. I'm just feeling sorry for myself.)

Despite our few trials, there's really nothing to complain about. We have seen so many tragedies over the last little while to know that we are truly lucky. We love each other, we have healthy children, Brian has steady work, we are ok financially, and we have tons of family support. I'm so grateful for all the things that are going right in our life. They far outweigh the bad parts, and it's my goal to focus on that and enjoy the blessings that are coming our way.