I was on such a high yesterday from the good news we received that I made it sound like the opposite news would have been the worst thing in the world. I failed to mention that I actually think we were in a very healthy place to accept the news and be ok with it, even recognize it as a blessing. We just needed to know before we could get to that place.
An article in this month's Ensign was about having a baby with Downs (which I took as another sign that it was inevitable) and it described the feelings we were having perfectly. No one wants a baby with special needs. They can be a challenge to raise, they may have many medical problems, and won't be able to live a normal life with marriage, missions, careers, etc., but they truly are sent straight from heaven. Their salvation is secure and they have so much joy and light to offer their families. We would have loved our little boy no matter what. Regardless of what would have happened or still could happen, we are truly blessed.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Monday, August 1, 2011
I Believe in Miracles!
I got the dreaded call last Tuesday from the doctor's office. One of my blood tests came back with abnormal results. It showed I had a 1 in 10 chance of having a baby with down syndrome. Usually when this test comes back positive, it shows a 1 in 200 or 1 in 300 chance, so I knew it was serious.
Brian and I rushed to the genetic counselor the next day at IMC to have a detailed ultrasound to see if everything was ok. Everything seemed fine, except the baby had a short femur bone. Thanks to my internet research the night before, I knew that a short femur bone is a marker for downs. I was devastated. But I was glad the baby didn't show other signs, like heart or kidney problems that can be associated with downs.
I knew that the ultrasound couldn't tell me for sure, so Brian and I agonized over it and then decided to have an amniocentesis right then and there. We just couldn't go on without knowing. It wouldn't change anything other than our ability to cope and be mentally prepared when the baby is born with a problem. There are risks of miscarriage and other complications associated with an amnio, but we just had to know.
Anyway, the doctor doing the amnio had trouble getting through the amniotic sac due to what she called "tenting." I didn't think anything of it, but after we got home, I went to the good old internet and found out that "tenting" is often a sign of down syndrome. I guess babies with downs have thicker sacs?
I started looking at other things that could indicate downs. One of the common features is a space between the big toe and the next toe. We were given a printout of a few things during the ultrasound, one of which was the bottom of the babies foot. Of course, what do I see? A space between the toes. I was convinced. I was so devastated.
Before the amino, we were offered a test called "FISH" that would give us earlier limited results, mainly ruling out downs syndrome. Of course we opted for that. The full panel of tests will test for other problems and we should have those results later this week, but the "FISH" results were due today, Monday. Brian and I have been nervous wrecks. Yesterday was the worst. We were crying at the drop of a hat and were so depressed. I haven't been eating well or sleeping much for a couple days. I was just so consumed with these worries.
I finally got the call this morning. I was so convinced that it would be bad news that when the genetic counselor said the test came back normal, I didn't know what to say. I was in shock. I was so sure I knew the outcome. I was prepared for the worst. It was truly a miracle to me that our little boy is healthy. True, we still have the full panel of test results coming later this week, but we were only told he had a risk for downs, so now that they have ruled that out, we are breathing a sigh of relief.
Now, if I could just stop worrying that the amnio is going to cause a miscarriage, I'll be good to go. There's always something to worry about when you are pregnant, right? (And the internet doesn't help.)
Brian and I rushed to the genetic counselor the next day at IMC to have a detailed ultrasound to see if everything was ok. Everything seemed fine, except the baby had a short femur bone. Thanks to my internet research the night before, I knew that a short femur bone is a marker for downs. I was devastated. But I was glad the baby didn't show other signs, like heart or kidney problems that can be associated with downs.
I knew that the ultrasound couldn't tell me for sure, so Brian and I agonized over it and then decided to have an amniocentesis right then and there. We just couldn't go on without knowing. It wouldn't change anything other than our ability to cope and be mentally prepared when the baby is born with a problem. There are risks of miscarriage and other complications associated with an amnio, but we just had to know.
Anyway, the doctor doing the amnio had trouble getting through the amniotic sac due to what she called "tenting." I didn't think anything of it, but after we got home, I went to the good old internet and found out that "tenting" is often a sign of down syndrome. I guess babies with downs have thicker sacs?
I started looking at other things that could indicate downs. One of the common features is a space between the big toe and the next toe. We were given a printout of a few things during the ultrasound, one of which was the bottom of the babies foot. Of course, what do I see? A space between the toes. I was convinced. I was so devastated.
Before the amino, we were offered a test called "FISH" that would give us earlier limited results, mainly ruling out downs syndrome. Of course we opted for that. The full panel of tests will test for other problems and we should have those results later this week, but the "FISH" results were due today, Monday. Brian and I have been nervous wrecks. Yesterday was the worst. We were crying at the drop of a hat and were so depressed. I haven't been eating well or sleeping much for a couple days. I was just so consumed with these worries.
I finally got the call this morning. I was so convinced that it would be bad news that when the genetic counselor said the test came back normal, I didn't know what to say. I was in shock. I was so sure I knew the outcome. I was prepared for the worst. It was truly a miracle to me that our little boy is healthy. True, we still have the full panel of test results coming later this week, but we were only told he had a risk for downs, so now that they have ruled that out, we are breathing a sigh of relief.
Now, if I could just stop worrying that the amnio is going to cause a miscarriage, I'll be good to go. There's always something to worry about when you are pregnant, right? (And the internet doesn't help.)
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Projecting My Insecurities
I have really been pushing Dallin lately to ride his bike. He's almost 7 and still hasn't quite figured it out. I keep thinking, "What will all his friend's say when they find out?"I also keep thinking, "What's wrong with my son? Kids that are years younger have already figured it out!" I know these are such a dumb and sad things for a mother to think, but for some reason it really motivates me to push him really hard to get out there and keep trying. It hasn't been working so well though.
I realized that he doesn't really have the same worries and insecurities that I do (thank goodness). Seriously, none of his friends are even going to know he doesn't ride a bike. He doesn't ride one to school, his friends aren't old enough to ask him to go ride bikes, he doesn't seem to care much that he hasn't figured it out...so really, what's motivating me?
I guess I'm thinking back to when I was a kid. I was very insecure about myself and always worried what everyone else thought of me. I was worried that the slightest thing would cause other kids to tease me, so I tried to blend in and not call attention to myself. I was worried that Dallin would be calling attention to the fact that he's not as sporty or coordinated as other kids by not working on this one skill, but I guess I just need to let him be a kid and decide what's important to him and what talents he wants to develop (we all know I've tried to get him to sing...no success).
Once I had that attitude change, guess what? He rode his bike for the first time yesterday. I am so proud! But I'm glad that it was his choice, not me forcing him for all the wrong reasons.
I realized that he doesn't really have the same worries and insecurities that I do (thank goodness). Seriously, none of his friends are even going to know he doesn't ride a bike. He doesn't ride one to school, his friends aren't old enough to ask him to go ride bikes, he doesn't seem to care much that he hasn't figured it out...so really, what's motivating me?
I guess I'm thinking back to when I was a kid. I was very insecure about myself and always worried what everyone else thought of me. I was worried that the slightest thing would cause other kids to tease me, so I tried to blend in and not call attention to myself. I was worried that Dallin would be calling attention to the fact that he's not as sporty or coordinated as other kids by not working on this one skill, but I guess I just need to let him be a kid and decide what's important to him and what talents he wants to develop (we all know I've tried to get him to sing...no success).
Once I had that attitude change, guess what? He rode his bike for the first time yesterday. I am so proud! But I'm glad that it was his choice, not me forcing him for all the wrong reasons.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
My Struggle to Blog
I don't know what it is, but I never have been great at keeping a blog (or a journal for that matter). I have always felt like no matter what I say, it will never be as witty, as funny, as enlightening, as...whatever, as other people's blogs. Who would want to read what I write? I read so many other's blogs where I can't wait to read the next "installment" or I can't wait to tell Brian about the funny thing I read or tell him "guess what so and so is up to." I can't ever come up with anything I want to say that would get that response from anyone. I feel like the only times I'm inspired to write are when I want to vent or complain about something. What is wrong with me?
Well, here's my sad attempt at just writing about nothing and hoping that it's something that at least I will want to re-read someday.
Dallin and Alyssa just finished swim lessons last week, and, to my surprise, they both passed. I think the instructors were a little lenient, because I was sure they wouldn't pass, especially Dallin, who refuses to put his face in the water without a huge protest, gagging, sputtering, etc. Even when he plugs his nose (he actually plugs his whole face, with his hand over his nose and mouth, pinching everything), he still comes up gagging like he swallowed a bunch of water. I don't know how that's even possible. Alyssa doesn't seem to have a problem with it.
It's funny how the kids have taken after us as parents. Dallin is my child through and through. He hates scary rides, doesn't have a knack for swimming, is so uncoordinated it's not even funny, and is too smart for his own good. Alyssa is a daredevil like Brian, willing to try anything, coordinated, not afraid of water (or anything else, except for the street...but that's a good thing). I wonder who Emily will turn out to be like. Hmmmm....
Anyway, I've signed them up for the next swimming lessons. They start on Monday. They are going to be eaten alive in that class. They have to push off the side and swim with their faces in the water to the other side of this small pool area. It's probably about 10-15 feet. They have to kick and use their arms. Not going to happen, but at least I can see what they need to know and we'll work on it with them and hopefully have them up to speed by next summer. I never learned how to swim, or at least that's my story and I'm sticking to it. I'm just so terrified of water in every way that I don't even know for sure if I can or not. I can get around just fine in the shallow water. I can float, doggy paddle, and do all the other basic things, but put me in the deep water and I panic so bad that I start to drown and need my husband to rescue me (embarassing, I know). I hope some day I can be brave, and when I am, I hope that I discover that I can swim after all.
If you've made it this far (Who am I kidding? No one reads this!), you deserve to be let in on a little secret. I'm expecting another baby in December. This one will be 20 months apart from Emily. I've already experienced 18 months apart with Dallin and Alyssa, so I know what I'm in for, but I'm a little nervous about this one. Emily has turned into such a handful. It seems that way for all my kids. As soon as I find out I'm pregnant, my previously angelic children get in touch with their dark sides and make me wonder all through my pregnancy what I've gotten myself into. This pregnancy is also scaring me in a weird way I wouldn't have expected. I keep forgetting about it. I go for hours not even remembering it, then all of the sudden, it comes back to me and I get a wave of panic, wondering if I made up the whole thing. I also don't have hardly any symptoms other than a tender stomach that can't bear the thought of regular pants right now. I've been in loose or maternity jeans for over a month, hoping no one notices yet. I have an ultrasound on Monday to pinpoint an exact due date. My doctor just can't accept the fact that I have large babies for no reason at all. She thinks maybe we are miscalculating my due dates, so she ordered this ultrasound to double check the date. I'm thrilled! The more ultrasounds, the better, but I'm also scared. Just my usual worries that something might be wrong. I'm also worried that the date will be pushed back into January, and then I'll have a whole host of other things to worry about, the biggest being that my deductible will start over January 1, which means this baby will cost double what we thought it would. There's also the slightly lesser problem of not having the baby in this tax year for next years' tax break (but this one would just be a nice perk, not a real concern like the deductible thing). Anyway, I'm hoping after my ultrasound that this pregnancy will sink in a little more and I can accept that it is real and that we are soon going to be a family of 6. SIX! Weird. I think that's as big as it's going to get though. I can't see me driving a big cargo van with 8 kids like my mom did. Four kids is enough for me!
I am going to make a better effort to get on here and write about nothing more often. It feels good. If nothing else comes from it, at least I can improve my writing skills and look back at these entries and be reminded of some good memories.
Well, here's my sad attempt at just writing about nothing and hoping that it's something that at least I will want to re-read someday.
Dallin and Alyssa just finished swim lessons last week, and, to my surprise, they both passed. I think the instructors were a little lenient, because I was sure they wouldn't pass, especially Dallin, who refuses to put his face in the water without a huge protest, gagging, sputtering, etc. Even when he plugs his nose (he actually plugs his whole face, with his hand over his nose and mouth, pinching everything), he still comes up gagging like he swallowed a bunch of water. I don't know how that's even possible. Alyssa doesn't seem to have a problem with it.
It's funny how the kids have taken after us as parents. Dallin is my child through and through. He hates scary rides, doesn't have a knack for swimming, is so uncoordinated it's not even funny, and is too smart for his own good. Alyssa is a daredevil like Brian, willing to try anything, coordinated, not afraid of water (or anything else, except for the street...but that's a good thing). I wonder who Emily will turn out to be like. Hmmmm....
Anyway, I've signed them up for the next swimming lessons. They start on Monday. They are going to be eaten alive in that class. They have to push off the side and swim with their faces in the water to the other side of this small pool area. It's probably about 10-15 feet. They have to kick and use their arms. Not going to happen, but at least I can see what they need to know and we'll work on it with them and hopefully have them up to speed by next summer. I never learned how to swim, or at least that's my story and I'm sticking to it. I'm just so terrified of water in every way that I don't even know for sure if I can or not. I can get around just fine in the shallow water. I can float, doggy paddle, and do all the other basic things, but put me in the deep water and I panic so bad that I start to drown and need my husband to rescue me (embarassing, I know). I hope some day I can be brave, and when I am, I hope that I discover that I can swim after all.
If you've made it this far (Who am I kidding? No one reads this!), you deserve to be let in on a little secret. I'm expecting another baby in December. This one will be 20 months apart from Emily. I've already experienced 18 months apart with Dallin and Alyssa, so I know what I'm in for, but I'm a little nervous about this one. Emily has turned into such a handful. It seems that way for all my kids. As soon as I find out I'm pregnant, my previously angelic children get in touch with their dark sides and make me wonder all through my pregnancy what I've gotten myself into. This pregnancy is also scaring me in a weird way I wouldn't have expected. I keep forgetting about it. I go for hours not even remembering it, then all of the sudden, it comes back to me and I get a wave of panic, wondering if I made up the whole thing. I also don't have hardly any symptoms other than a tender stomach that can't bear the thought of regular pants right now. I've been in loose or maternity jeans for over a month, hoping no one notices yet. I have an ultrasound on Monday to pinpoint an exact due date. My doctor just can't accept the fact that I have large babies for no reason at all. She thinks maybe we are miscalculating my due dates, so she ordered this ultrasound to double check the date. I'm thrilled! The more ultrasounds, the better, but I'm also scared. Just my usual worries that something might be wrong. I'm also worried that the date will be pushed back into January, and then I'll have a whole host of other things to worry about, the biggest being that my deductible will start over January 1, which means this baby will cost double what we thought it would. There's also the slightly lesser problem of not having the baby in this tax year for next years' tax break (but this one would just be a nice perk, not a real concern like the deductible thing). Anyway, I'm hoping after my ultrasound that this pregnancy will sink in a little more and I can accept that it is real and that we are soon going to be a family of 6. SIX! Weird. I think that's as big as it's going to get though. I can't see me driving a big cargo van with 8 kids like my mom did. Four kids is enough for me!
I am going to make a better effort to get on here and write about nothing more often. It feels good. If nothing else comes from it, at least I can improve my writing skills and look back at these entries and be reminded of some good memories.
Monday, June 20, 2011
We survived!
I can't believe it, but somehow, we survived the last four months.
Life has calmed down now, and it's wonderful. The kids are out of school, and I have them on a pretty good routine of school time, piano lessons, swim lessons, going to the park, and just having fun together. Ahhh.... life is sweet when it slows down a little.
Life has calmed down now, and it's wonderful. The kids are out of school, and I have them on a pretty good routine of school time, piano lessons, swim lessons, going to the park, and just having fun together. Ahhh.... life is sweet when it slows down a little.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Priorities
Brian and I have been reflecting on how crazy our life has gotten over the past few months. He was called as the Ward Mission Leader and has been quite involved in meetings and other commitments with that. I was just called to be in the Relief Society Presidency (2nd couns.). I am also costuming a community production of Oklahoma and doing some transcription work on the computer. I, of course, am also a taxi service, taking Dallin and Alyssa back and forth to school. We were commenting that we aren't really going to see each other much anymore. On Saturday, we went to the Worldwide Leadership Training, and it was emphasized over and over that family comes first. A calling should never take the place of family. Other commitments shouldn't either. But how do we find the balance?
We are both pretty new in our callings still, but I'm sure as we figure them out, the balance will come. I'm trying to have faith that it will all work out and that I can be a good mom first, but also a good presidency member, a good costumer, and a good worker. As for a good housekeeper? I'm not so sure. That one might have to slide.
We are both pretty new in our callings still, but I'm sure as we figure them out, the balance will come. I'm trying to have faith that it will all work out and that I can be a good mom first, but also a good presidency member, a good costumer, and a good worker. As for a good housekeeper? I'm not so sure. That one might have to slide.
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